An attempt to write (emo)

"I hate it."

That's all I could say about my status right now.

I've lost the touch. I don't know why. "Hate" is the only word I could use for this multitude of thoughts, not like before. I think I've lost it.

I can't write anymore.
I can't draw anymore.
I can't play a new song.

Don't get me wrong. I can but its just not the same.

Where did my right brain go?

The last time I felt its presence was back in 2004.
The year 2004, the second year high school version of me is my favorite.

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WRITING

I remember fondly my second year in high school, I had my first Creative Writing class. Our Creative Writing class was taught by a woman who was studying in UP for a Master's Degree in--I guess--Writing. It was a once a week class and I anticipated it. I loved it. I don't know why majority of my classmates do not like it and why they usually make fun of our teacher but just the same I still liked it.

I had to admit most of her lectures were boring. In that boredom I got to scribble poems in my notebook and write the first sentences of short stories I never finish. I don't do that anymore and it's sad. I kept that notebook.

The only short story I finished (and ever written) was the one that I passed, it was three pages long (which was the maximun requirement) and I have to say I'm quite proud of it.
Considering the author--which is a cheesy, idealistic, inspiration-filled fourteen year old girl--it was a great piece of literature. Our mentor was not able to give back the copy of our short stories to us, she also did not give back the poems we passed. Too bad our computer back then got broken and I was not able to save my work. The words I was once proud of just got lost in a chip of our broken computer.

DRAWING

Also in that year I was an artist, I joined a club. Our moderator was my older sister's best friend so it was fun. She was studying Fine Arts in UP at that time. She made us draw and draw and draw and me and my friends enjoyed it. Drawing is one of the common things I have with my closest friends. We enjoyed it, it didn't feel like some kind of a requirement--you know, something you do just because you have to--it was a hobby. It was our hobby. It WAS my hobby.

My favorite medium back then was the oil pastel. I think it still is my favorite medium for drawing. I spent a hundred and fifty pesos of my own money to buy a 36 color set of
oil pastels. I used it for my artworks that was later on posted on the billboard that served as a "gallery" of our works. One of my work was a view from our grilled windows, outside was our bouganvilla plant in full bloom. That drawing was my favorite.

I never got it back.

MUSIC

My second year in high school was also full of music. It was the year we were to learn how to play the guitar at the end of the music class. We should be able to play a song in the
guitar. We were required to. I had singing sessions and guitar tutoring sessions with my friends. I learned to play many songs in the guitar. It was inspiring. Nowadays, whenever
I try to play a new song, I am not able to. The ones I learned back then are still the ones I can play until now. I can't play a new song.

Music filled my life then. It still is a part of my life until now. But back then it was different, it was a passion.
I bought the albums of the two of my all-time favorite bands with my own money which was a pain in my pocket but was certainly worth it. I listened to the CDs every chance I got. I also had a habit of listening to it everyday before sleeping. I memorized all the lines to all the songs in those two albums. They are my prized possesions. Now it has been months since I last heard those too familiar songs.

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As I grew older, my experiences in high school taught me that real life is harsh. There are a lot of bad things out there and it is important to be aware of them to be wiser and
battle the complicated consequences.

The negative part of life got in my head.

I lost my idealism, I lost my creativity, I lost my drive.

As some people might remember, I HAD the corniest jokes there is and I enjoy telling them because people laugh. They laugh partly because of the joke but more on because of how I tell the joke. I was a happy happy kid.

Some days, I still have those inspired, happy happy mode, but not so much as I have been in 2004.

A homework for our Botany Lab class showed that I am right-brained. My right brain is evidently bigger than my left brain.

Where did my right brain go?

Off to vacation I guess, but it's still there, I wish it would come back soon. Well rested and better than ever.

+ ME