Ineffable

It has come to this. For the past weeks I felt like my mind's a whirlwind of thoughts. I'm very much caught up with my academics, my org friends, my block friends, my friends outside the block and of course, me thinking about being in a relationship.

Let me tell you this, I am a very emotional person. I get affected easily. Just this weekend I shed some tears over that The Rock movie where he was a football player who didn't not know he had a kid. I am very mababaw, some of you know how I cried over 27 Dresses. You should really get chick flicks or family movies away from me if you don't want me to cry and hug a pillow or tell you "I love you" or something. Also, I almost cried when we visited our new area for Tugon for the first time yesterday. I still want to cry now just thinking about it. Even though I have been a member of Tugon since first year and I have interacted with abandoned/abused children every week, I still could not stop myself from asking why the hell those beautiful angels were left by their parents. The area visit was particularly hard for me because we can't play with the babies and kids just yet, so when the babies reach out, as much as we want to carry them and make them feel safe, we can't. I'm so excited to go back and be able to hug them.

I am digressing but you get the point. I'm emotional. Also, I like hugs and hugging.

At this point I don't know where this is going.

I just am confused in general. Maybe I have so many things to do, so many friends I would like to hang out with, so many feelings to feel and so little time (Yes, the cliche, it's eww actually). And sometimes, I feel like I am not thinking about what I am doing or my mind's off somewhere or someone. One thing I have learned from Fr. David at this point in the semester is that we don't progress because we don't think about what we do, meaning we don't attend or give our full attention on what we are currently doing. I preacher once said that, "we are where we are because we should be just where we are". There is a reason why we are in some place, with certain people and we should be there. But I have been finding myself thinking of different people and places while being somewhere and with some people.

At this point, I'm just letting things out. I have no thesis statement here.

Nowadays, I always thank God because he gave me many new choices and many new friends. But then, new friends means less time for old friends. And I am very emotional and I miss.

God also gave me many choices on who to like but I am very sad that no one has chosen me or at least reveal the intent to choose me in some way. Oh yeeeeaaahhh. Pokemons, lucky them.

Haay.

And because of this, I want to drink this week.


"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.", Closing Time -Semisonic

I believe I am in the middle of an end and a beginning has yet to make me happy.

Translation (I did not want to sound desperate but here it goes): "Someone please ask me out."

I feel this is a selfish thing but oh well, I'm tired of being selfless.


+ Leng

Boys make me feel weird

It's 11:49 am. What a coincidence, I just finished reading Chapter 2 of Watchmen. Go Figure.

It's Sunday and it was a very eventful Saturday. And events always leave me with many thoughts in my mind.

"Where's your will to be weird?"
- Jim Morrison

I don't know Jim Morrison. I think he's a musician, I think I'm gonna like him cause he's a rockstar. There's always google and I don't know why some people don't make use of google. As in make use--to make themselves look smart and all-knowing and all that. Yeah, I'm a bad person like that. And people aren't me. Weird. I think you all know the cliche thought (Yeah, cliche thought, I have many of those things, please let me know if they really are cliche and overrated thoughts of a wise ass wannabe like me or not.) that if everyone's unique then we're all not unique by all being unique. Bleh. Post modern fools.

Where was I?

Oh yeah, weirdness. I thrive in weirdness, quirks, oddities and all that stuff. I like it when I'm different but nowadays being not different is what stands out because everyone just wants to be so goddam peculiar. I have many weird friends, from the stereotypical weird people like the artists and the musicians, the vice-driven and libido-obliging ones to the normal-looking, fun-loving ones (I honestly don't know if those hyphens should be there or not). And I must say, I love all of them even with the dregs of my heart. But then you see other people, the ones that seem to be living "the life". They seem so...normal. They're well educated, they have their lovers, they're pretty (I am tempted to mention a race), they're rich, they're smart, they have many good-looking friends, they have hate blogs addressed to their stalkers telling them to leave them and their boyfriend alone etc. etc. etc. To tell you honestly, I haven't formulated a conclusion for this thought of mine. I guess I don't need any. If I will be brutally honest, all I am saying is that I want a relationship other than that with my family and my awesome friends. I have been pushing this want out of my mind since school started--and mind you, I love school, it keeps me distracted, I like homeworks and readings and projects and stuff--but the thought comes back and finds me like the things you cram into hidden spaces when you attempt to clean your room when people visit in such short notice. And I am afraid I weird boys out or something because I'm not like the normal girls who wear nice clothes, who look pretty with their hair swaying with the wind walking around with their pretty friends.

When I was a kid, I've always had this will to be weird or maybe I'm just a painfully quiet and introverted girl whose favorite hobby is to dig up little snail shells in their so-called garden (there goes another hyphen). But now, I'm rethinking my will to be weird just because of stupid boys.

Last Friday, I had a blast with my friends laughing my heart out for about 5 hours. Yesterday, I had a great time because my orgmates had a great time at the Community Building Seminar where I was one of the project heads and also yesterday was a very nice reunion with another circle of high school friends--the artist/musician/libido-obliging ones--in a debut . I was thinking about what emo moment will come after all of that. I think this is it.

My will to be weird was shaken.


+ LeaLeng

I am always more than willing to talk.