Ineffable

It has come to this. For the past weeks I felt like my mind's a whirlwind of thoughts. I'm very much caught up with my academics, my org friends, my block friends, my friends outside the block and of course, me thinking about being in a relationship.

Let me tell you this, I am a very emotional person. I get affected easily. Just this weekend I shed some tears over that The Rock movie where he was a football player who didn't not know he had a kid. I am very mababaw, some of you know how I cried over 27 Dresses. You should really get chick flicks or family movies away from me if you don't want me to cry and hug a pillow or tell you "I love you" or something. Also, I almost cried when we visited our new area for Tugon for the first time yesterday. I still want to cry now just thinking about it. Even though I have been a member of Tugon since first year and I have interacted with abandoned/abused children every week, I still could not stop myself from asking why the hell those beautiful angels were left by their parents. The area visit was particularly hard for me because we can't play with the babies and kids just yet, so when the babies reach out, as much as we want to carry them and make them feel safe, we can't. I'm so excited to go back and be able to hug them.

I am digressing but you get the point. I'm emotional. Also, I like hugs and hugging.

At this point I don't know where this is going.

I just am confused in general. Maybe I have so many things to do, so many friends I would like to hang out with, so many feelings to feel and so little time (Yes, the cliche, it's eww actually). And sometimes, I feel like I am not thinking about what I am doing or my mind's off somewhere or someone. One thing I have learned from Fr. David at this point in the semester is that we don't progress because we don't think about what we do, meaning we don't attend or give our full attention on what we are currently doing. I preacher once said that, "we are where we are because we should be just where we are". There is a reason why we are in some place, with certain people and we should be there. But I have been finding myself thinking of different people and places while being somewhere and with some people.

At this point, I'm just letting things out. I have no thesis statement here.

Nowadays, I always thank God because he gave me many new choices and many new friends. But then, new friends means less time for old friends. And I am very emotional and I miss.

God also gave me many choices on who to like but I am very sad that no one has chosen me or at least reveal the intent to choose me in some way. Oh yeeeeaaahhh. Pokemons, lucky them.

Haay.

And because of this, I want to drink this week.


"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.", Closing Time -Semisonic

I believe I am in the middle of an end and a beginning has yet to make me happy.

Translation (I did not want to sound desperate but here it goes): "Someone please ask me out."

I feel this is a selfish thing but oh well, I'm tired of being selfless.


+ Leng

An attempt to write (emo)

"I hate it."

That's all I could say about my status right now.

I've lost the touch. I don't know why. "Hate" is the only word I could use for this multitude of thoughts, not like before. I think I've lost it.

I can't write anymore.
I can't draw anymore.
I can't play a new song.

Don't get me wrong. I can but its just not the same.

Where did my right brain go?

The last time I felt its presence was back in 2004.
The year 2004, the second year high school version of me is my favorite.

___________________________________

WRITING

I remember fondly my second year in high school, I had my first Creative Writing class. Our Creative Writing class was taught by a woman who was studying in UP for a Master's Degree in--I guess--Writing. It was a once a week class and I anticipated it. I loved it. I don't know why majority of my classmates do not like it and why they usually make fun of our teacher but just the same I still liked it.

I had to admit most of her lectures were boring. In that boredom I got to scribble poems in my notebook and write the first sentences of short stories I never finish. I don't do that anymore and it's sad. I kept that notebook.

The only short story I finished (and ever written) was the one that I passed, it was three pages long (which was the maximun requirement) and I have to say I'm quite proud of it.
Considering the author--which is a cheesy, idealistic, inspiration-filled fourteen year old girl--it was a great piece of literature. Our mentor was not able to give back the copy of our short stories to us, she also did not give back the poems we passed. Too bad our computer back then got broken and I was not able to save my work. The words I was once proud of just got lost in a chip of our broken computer.

DRAWING

Also in that year I was an artist, I joined a club. Our moderator was my older sister's best friend so it was fun. She was studying Fine Arts in UP at that time. She made us draw and draw and draw and me and my friends enjoyed it. Drawing is one of the common things I have with my closest friends. We enjoyed it, it didn't feel like some kind of a requirement--you know, something you do just because you have to--it was a hobby. It was our hobby. It WAS my hobby.

My favorite medium back then was the oil pastel. I think it still is my favorite medium for drawing. I spent a hundred and fifty pesos of my own money to buy a 36 color set of
oil pastels. I used it for my artworks that was later on posted on the billboard that served as a "gallery" of our works. One of my work was a view from our grilled windows, outside was our bouganvilla plant in full bloom. That drawing was my favorite.

I never got it back.

MUSIC

My second year in high school was also full of music. It was the year we were to learn how to play the guitar at the end of the music class. We should be able to play a song in the
guitar. We were required to. I had singing sessions and guitar tutoring sessions with my friends. I learned to play many songs in the guitar. It was inspiring. Nowadays, whenever
I try to play a new song, I am not able to. The ones I learned back then are still the ones I can play until now. I can't play a new song.

Music filled my life then. It still is a part of my life until now. But back then it was different, it was a passion.
I bought the albums of the two of my all-time favorite bands with my own money which was a pain in my pocket but was certainly worth it. I listened to the CDs every chance I got. I also had a habit of listening to it everyday before sleeping. I memorized all the lines to all the songs in those two albums. They are my prized possesions. Now it has been months since I last heard those too familiar songs.

____________________________________

As I grew older, my experiences in high school taught me that real life is harsh. There are a lot of bad things out there and it is important to be aware of them to be wiser and
battle the complicated consequences.

The negative part of life got in my head.

I lost my idealism, I lost my creativity, I lost my drive.

As some people might remember, I HAD the corniest jokes there is and I enjoy telling them because people laugh. They laugh partly because of the joke but more on because of how I tell the joke. I was a happy happy kid.

Some days, I still have those inspired, happy happy mode, but not so much as I have been in 2004.

A homework for our Botany Lab class showed that I am right-brained. My right brain is evidently bigger than my left brain.

Where did my right brain go?

Off to vacation I guess, but it's still there, I wish it would come back soon. Well rested and better than ever.

+ ME