Rediscovering myself

'Who am I?'

This might be something you'll ask yourself after any loss.  Losing something that was such a big part of your life may feel like losing yourself.  But it's not.  You were always there, and you have to remind yourself of who you are...I have to remind myself of who I am.

Lea Marie G. Desuasido

In life, things exist in contrast.  There’s happiness and sadness, contentment and frustration, silliness and seriousness, grace and sin.  Things don’t exist in absolutes, and there is never, ever anything perfect.  And Leng is a person who knows this – she will be the first to tell you that everything worth doing is worth doing well, but you don’t run yourself to the ground doing it, either.  She knows the essence of things is balance (orgs, friends, acads, the boyfriend, the family, herself) and the more she has to do, the calmer she tries to be.  And actually, being calm?  Works every time.  
But beyond all this, Leng knows that life’s not just about working well.  She knows that you’re not put in the world to show off – you’re put here to see.  And when you see what needs to be done, you go out and do it.  That’s her primary goal: to find out how she can live a life for others, because she knows it’s too great to live just for herself.  She has an incredible capacity for insight.  She has an even greater one for love.  She’s the sort of person who makes you think that world’s odds have nothing on her.  Maybe they don’t, maybe they do.  Leng knows this, so Leng doesn’t try to beat the world – just loves it as best as she can.  Everything else, she is sure, will come after.

- Yearbook write-up written by my good friend, Tasie Cabrera

Sometimes, other people know you better than you know yourself.

And yes, this is really who I am.  This confirms and validates the decisions I've made so far after the break up.

Thank You. :)


+ Leng

Ineffable

It has come to this. For the past weeks I felt like my mind's a whirlwind of thoughts. I'm very much caught up with my academics, my org friends, my block friends, my friends outside the block and of course, me thinking about being in a relationship.

Let me tell you this, I am a very emotional person. I get affected easily. Just this weekend I shed some tears over that The Rock movie where he was a football player who didn't not know he had a kid. I am very mababaw, some of you know how I cried over 27 Dresses. You should really get chick flicks or family movies away from me if you don't want me to cry and hug a pillow or tell you "I love you" or something. Also, I almost cried when we visited our new area for Tugon for the first time yesterday. I still want to cry now just thinking about it. Even though I have been a member of Tugon since first year and I have interacted with abandoned/abused children every week, I still could not stop myself from asking why the hell those beautiful angels were left by their parents. The area visit was particularly hard for me because we can't play with the babies and kids just yet, so when the babies reach out, as much as we want to carry them and make them feel safe, we can't. I'm so excited to go back and be able to hug them.

I am digressing but you get the point. I'm emotional. Also, I like hugs and hugging.

At this point I don't know where this is going.

I just am confused in general. Maybe I have so many things to do, so many friends I would like to hang out with, so many feelings to feel and so little time (Yes, the cliche, it's eww actually). And sometimes, I feel like I am not thinking about what I am doing or my mind's off somewhere or someone. One thing I have learned from Fr. David at this point in the semester is that we don't progress because we don't think about what we do, meaning we don't attend or give our full attention on what we are currently doing. I preacher once said that, "we are where we are because we should be just where we are". There is a reason why we are in some place, with certain people and we should be there. But I have been finding myself thinking of different people and places while being somewhere and with some people.

At this point, I'm just letting things out. I have no thesis statement here.

Nowadays, I always thank God because he gave me many new choices and many new friends. But then, new friends means less time for old friends. And I am very emotional and I miss.

God also gave me many choices on who to like but I am very sad that no one has chosen me or at least reveal the intent to choose me in some way. Oh yeeeeaaahhh. Pokemons, lucky them.

Haay.

And because of this, I want to drink this week.


"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.", Closing Time -Semisonic

I believe I am in the middle of an end and a beginning has yet to make me happy.

Translation (I did not want to sound desperate but here it goes): "Someone please ask me out."

I feel this is a selfish thing but oh well, I'm tired of being selfless.


+ Leng

Wala lang. Random = <3

"I don't know."

"Profound."

"If you like it then you should have put a ring on it."

"Oh look! Turkey leg!"

"Greater good."

"What's your baon? Tell me what's your baon."