Loving you from a distance

During the past four days, I realized that I am okay.  We talked, had lunch, said hi to each other...  At first I tried becoming friends but then I felt that maybe I still should keep my distance.  I am no longer hurt by what you did to me, I can say that I have really forgiven and understood you.  But sometimes, God still brings me to tears and yesterday I realized why when this song was sung:

I realized that I was hurting for you.

Weeks ago I told my friend that I have been asking God to help me move on by slowly diminishing my love for you but to no avail...in fact, I am finding that I am understanding you more and more everyday, and in the process I am being given by God more and more love for you.  This makes it hard for me because of the fact that we can't be together (I've actually talked about this already re: my decision to let you go because I love you).  This friend of mine told me that maybe, God gives me this hope and love for you because maybe you need a prayer warrior, maybe I was the one God tasked to pray for you everyday because I was the one with which you trusted your secret with.  Everyday, I have been praying that you feel that you are loved and that you are a great person. Everyday, I also ask Archangel Michael to shield you and deliver you from any harm, danger, sin, and temptation.  But I am only human and I can't help but become frustrated.  It is clear to me that we can't be together at the moment because you need to sort things out and I also need to get a hold of my life, but it is just really hard loving you from a distance.  I so long to hug you tight and tell you that you are loved.  I long to hold your hand and tell you that everything is going to be alright.  I long to tell you I love you and that I know you can't love me at the moment but just let me love you as a way of letting you know and feel that everything that you are is truly loved.  This is really painful, but the message yesterday was that pain will give us possibilities beyond our imagination.  And so with this, I acknowledge my weakness, I come to God to help me in this task that he has given me.  I guess I'll just let God do all the hugging, hand-holding, and saying 'I love you' for me to you.  I will continue loving you and praying for you from a distance, while I also challenge myself to become the best version of myself ever.

I have a dream for you
It's better than where you've been
It's bigger than your imagination
You're gonna find real love
And you're gonna hold your kids
You'll change the course of generations

I do believe that you'll change the course of your generations, and I will continue praying for your success.  I honestly hope that this dream of God for you includes me in it, but if not, I guess God also has a bigger dream for me.


+ Leng

A beauty secret

Wow.  Looking through my photos in Facebook, I just realized how much of a physical transformation I underwent in the past months. No wonder I keep on getting compliments and people telling me something like, "I did not recognize you."  I don't know if this is because of the break up or it's because I decided to live in the moment and just love myself.  It's a mixture of both, I guess.  If not because of the break up, I'd still be so focused in the future (earning money, saving for my future family while also doing what I love, deciding on what I really want to do in life, thinking 'Am I good enough?', etc.) and forget about my current well-being, and if not because of my decision to live in the moment, I'd be so stuck in the past hurts caused by the break up and I'd also forget about my current well-being.  I'd like to think that this physical transformation is because of the transformation inside of me...that decision to live in the now.

This is one of the lessons I learned which I am so grateful for because of the break up.  To live in the moment, to be happy right here, right now.  To take care of myself, to be happy about myself and in turn bringing happiness to others.  To love myself and in turn loving others, loving any kind of situation, loving the world more.  Indeed, how you see the world is a reflection of who you are.

For so long I have been trying to seek the kingdom of God and holding on to Matthew 6:33, But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.  But I focused so much in seeking and looking into an unknown future that I failed to remember that there's a verse that comes after that, verse 34: Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.  In fact, the verses that come before focuses on not worrying and just living in the moment: Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.

WOW.

Keep in mind, Leng:

Stop worrying and looking for things that are not there because everything that you need is here already.  Stop looking for the kingdom of God and let yourself be found by God, or better yet, see[k] God's kingdom in yourself.  Nurture it.  Grow it.  Love it.  And witness God transform you into your most beautiful version yet.

+ Leng

(P.S. I can confidently say now that I am really starting to move on.  No more visitors from India too :)  Thank you, Lord.  Keep him safe and loved always.)

Break up monthsary

An excerpt from today's gospel:

“And as for those who do not welcome you, when you leave that town, shake the dust from your feet.” – Luke 9:5

In short, move on.  Move on, Leng, move on.

A very positive moving on playlist

Since the break up, I've had a couple of playlists which helped me throughout the process.  As you can see in my past entries, I am very much influenced and healed by music.  Right now, my mind is really dead set on moving on and forgetting about the past relationship and setting my eyes towards my goals for the future (which make me very excited!!!).  And so you'll find below the songs which I am currently listening to:

1) Treasure - Bruno Mars

As much as possible, I don't want this playlist to be bitter and so this first one is just to make us feel good about ourselves.  I imagine Louis Tomlinson or Zayn Malik singing this to me.  Or I'd imagine my future partner singing and DANCING this to me as a proposal to be his girlfriend HAHAHA.  Singing and dancing to this would definitely merit my sweet sweet 'yes'.

You can also try these songs for the same effect:

1.1 Kiss You - One Direction

1.2 What Makes You Beautiful - One Direction

Or maybe just about any One Direction song that says you are great and I would like to be your boyfriend.  Hahaha.

2) Brave - Sara Bareilles

This is for those super tiny pieces of hatred left towards a guy whose reason for a break up is the 'it's not you, it's me' type.  But the good thing about this song is it sounds so positive and inspiring.  On the flip side, this can also be for me, for us, to look at what we really want to say, who we really are...what we really want to do with our lives.

3) Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) - Green Day

I know sometimes you will really get sad and miss the person who broke up with you (I don't like using the word "ex boyfriend").  Acknowledge the feeling, but also remind yourself that it was really something unpredictable but in the end is RIGHT.

4) Part Of Me - Katy Perry

"Now look at me I'm sparkling, a firework, a dancing flame." ;)  Enough said.

5) Roar - Katy Perry

What can I say about this song?  It has all the inspirational, 'I am great' lines from all the great songs we know.  This is just great.  And imagine yourself as hot as Katy Perry (it would also help if you make this one of your goals) while singing along to this song.

6) Go The Distance - Michael Bolton

This is to keep you motivated towards your life goals.  For me, this song is also about living your life to the fullest by doing your God-given purpose and ultimately being with Him in the end as said in these lines,

"I will search the world 
I will face its harms
til I find my hero's welcome waiting in your arms" :')

7) Little Wonders - Rob Thomas

As the theme song for the great movie Meet the Robinsons and with the movie's main message of "keep moving forward", this seems fit for a moving on playlist.

"Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulders...the hardest part is over." :)

I also like how this song gives importance to "these small hours", those times when you were most sad, down, and just plain depressed.  It makes you realize that we really need to go through these hardships for us to move on to greater things. :)

8) Running - Hillsong

What better way to move on than to run?  But chasing after the right things, of course.


There you have it.  If you are like me who really gets affected by music and someone who likes to focus on the positive, this would really help.  But honestly, the songs The Scientist and Baby Come Back has been haunting me as well without my doing!  And being a person who thinks God talks to me through music, this really isn't helping.  But at least I am doing so much better now.  :)

+ Leng