Loving you from a distance

During the past four days, I realized that I am okay.  We talked, had lunch, said hi to each other...  At first I tried becoming friends but then I felt that maybe I still should keep my distance.  I am no longer hurt by what you did to me, I can say that I have really forgiven and understood you.  But sometimes, God still brings me to tears and yesterday I realized why when this song was sung:

I realized that I was hurting for you.

Weeks ago I told my friend that I have been asking God to help me move on by slowly diminishing my love for you but to no avail...in fact, I am finding that I am understanding you more and more everyday, and in the process I am being given by God more and more love for you.  This makes it hard for me because of the fact that we can't be together (I've actually talked about this already re: my decision to let you go because I love you).  This friend of mine told me that maybe, God gives me this hope and love for you because maybe you need a prayer warrior, maybe I was the one God tasked to pray for you everyday because I was the one with which you trusted your secret with.  Everyday, I have been praying that you feel that you are loved and that you are a great person. Everyday, I also ask Archangel Michael to shield you and deliver you from any harm, danger, sin, and temptation.  But I am only human and I can't help but become frustrated.  It is clear to me that we can't be together at the moment because you need to sort things out and I also need to get a hold of my life, but it is just really hard loving you from a distance.  I so long to hug you tight and tell you that you are loved.  I long to hold your hand and tell you that everything is going to be alright.  I long to tell you I love you and that I know you can't love me at the moment but just let me love you as a way of letting you know and feel that everything that you are is truly loved.  This is really painful, but the message yesterday was that pain will give us possibilities beyond our imagination.  And so with this, I acknowledge my weakness, I come to God to help me in this task that he has given me.  I guess I'll just let God do all the hugging, hand-holding, and saying 'I love you' for me to you.  I will continue loving you and praying for you from a distance, while I also challenge myself to become the best version of myself ever.

I have a dream for you
It's better than where you've been
It's bigger than your imagination
You're gonna find real love
And you're gonna hold your kids
You'll change the course of generations

I do believe that you'll change the course of your generations, and I will continue praying for your success.  I honestly hope that this dream of God for you includes me in it, but if not, I guess God also has a bigger dream for me.


+ Leng

Praying

Hello.  It has been 3 years since I last wrote something here.

It has been 4 years since I prayed and "made a wish".

It has been (almost) four years since You answered my prayer.  He really was an answered prayer.

Now, as suggested by a great friend who has experienced what I am going through right now, I am writing here to help me in the process of letting that answered prayer go.  I never liked passive-aggressive Facebook posts.  But as suggested by a great counselor, I need to let every emotion out, especially anger and sadness, for me to fully move on.  And so here I am, writing in a semi-private space where any soul who happens to pass by here will see how a blessing turned into the deepest wounds in my heart, and will hopefully turn into scars which will make me strong and bless me a thousand times more.

I never imagined it to be this hard, but I am still holding on to Your promises.

I grew so much in those (almost) four years and I will forever treasure those times with him.  He taught me a lot.  I would like to believe I taught him a lot and that I was able to lead him to a better place as well.

Honestly, I'm still in denial, but I am slowly accepting the fact that he already chose not to be with me anymore.  It just hurts so much because I did not see it coming at all.  We were at the height of realizing our dreams and taking action towards their fulfillment.  I was so proud of the both of us for journeying and discovering our dreams together.  I always thought that we will also attain them together.  That was the vision, that was the greatest thing about it.  But I should now accept that he chose not to journey with me anymore, and I should value myself enough to realize that I deserve a man who chooses to pursue his dreams with me.

I felt so betrayed.  How can he just leave it all?  Is he not grateful for the journey we are having?  After promising me that 'dreams do come true', he just walks out and leaves to pursue his own dreams?  How selfish.  I find it so selfish that after years of knowing each other's dreams and leading each other to the next steps towards their fulfillment, he walks out and refuses to accept my help and support.  I felt so betrayed.  I really do.  It doesn't help that he did not tell me that he has been having problems.  All his struggles, issues and pains, he chose not to share with me.  He just decided to end everything on his own without even disclosing his reasons in a way that a partner should understand.  What am I for then?  An enabler, a king-maker, his 'Jonathan' which he just threw away when he felt that I am no longer of use?  Had I known his struggles, issues and pains then, I would have accepted him fully.  This acceptance would have helped him love himself more by showing him someone loves and sees all the good things in him more than his issues which he magnified so much to become the reason for the break up.  He is so unfair and selfish to think that I would not be able to accept his issues.  Has he not realized the depth of my love for him in the past years?  Does he not value my love for him?  Does he not trust that I will understand?  But then again, I have to accept that he already chose not to journey with me anymore, and I deserve a man who thinks that I am strong and that I have the capacity to love and accept his issues and addictions which is a part of him.  I deserve a man who knows that I will love and accept his whole being.
I deserve to be valued.  I deserve to be trusted.  My love deserves to be valued.

I value myself enough to decide to move on.  I deserve so much more.  And so today I will be freeing myself from that answered prayer (almost) four years ago.  My new prayer is that in this suffering, I become better.  I know I still need to improve a lot of things in myself.  I know he needs to improve a lot in himself too.  I just thank You, Lord, for this opportunity for us to grow independently.  I know the both of us will grow so much and I know You just want the best for us, and if parting ways is the best for us, help me slowly accept this fully.

But right now, I am still hurting and I know You are here.  I hold on to You.  I know You are always there.

"...after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." - 1 Peter 5:10

Thank You so much.

+ Leng