A beauty secret

Wow.  Looking through my photos in Facebook, I just realized how much of a physical transformation I underwent in the past months. No wonder I keep on getting compliments and people telling me something like, "I did not recognize you."  I don't know if this is because of the break up or it's because I decided to live in the moment and just love myself.  It's a mixture of both, I guess.  If not because of the break up, I'd still be so focused in the future (earning money, saving for my future family while also doing what I love, deciding on what I really want to do in life, thinking 'Am I good enough?', etc.) and forget about my current well-being, and if not because of my decision to live in the moment, I'd be so stuck in the past hurts caused by the break up and I'd also forget about my current well-being.  I'd like to think that this physical transformation is because of the transformation inside of me...that decision to live in the now.

This is one of the lessons I learned which I am so grateful for because of the break up.  To live in the moment, to be happy right here, right now.  To take care of myself, to be happy about myself and in turn bringing happiness to others.  To love myself and in turn loving others, loving any kind of situation, loving the world more.  Indeed, how you see the world is a reflection of who you are.

For so long I have been trying to seek the kingdom of God and holding on to Matthew 6:33, But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.  But I focused so much in seeking and looking into an unknown future that I failed to remember that there's a verse that comes after that, verse 34: Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.  In fact, the verses that come before focuses on not worrying and just living in the moment: Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.

WOW.

Keep in mind, Leng:

Stop worrying and looking for things that are not there because everything that you need is here already.  Stop looking for the kingdom of God and let yourself be found by God, or better yet, see[k] God's kingdom in yourself.  Nurture it.  Grow it.  Love it.  And witness God transform you into your most beautiful version yet.

+ Leng

(P.S. I can confidently say now that I am really starting to move on.  No more visitors from India too :)  Thank you, Lord.  Keep him safe and loved always.)

Smoke gets in your eyes

This song is part of the grieving playlist, but it is so beautiful that it deserves its own post.  Plus there's smoke everywhere and watching HIMYM is not helping.

Grieving playlist

In the first few days and weeks of the break up, I tried so hard to put on a strong and brave facade.  But deep inside there was a little girl crying her heart out inside of me.  Because I am forced to stay at home right now, I am also forced to look deep inside of me, I've realized not just how sad I am but how some friends have been saying the wrong things to me!  Haha!  Maybe that was why I never really acknowledged that crying little girl inside of me.  But it's okay, at least they were still there for me.

And now that I've admitted that I am grieving, it wouldn't be complete without a playlist!  So here are the songs I cry to:

1) Shake It Out - Florence + the Machine

You know that HIMYM Season 7 episode where after 5 years, Robin finally closed the door to Ted's hopes of someday being happy with her by a simple 'No'?  I'm still waiting for that 'No'.  Maybe someday that would come from him.  Maybe in time I would be the one to close that door.  But in the mean time, I can still shake off the devil on my back, bury the horse, cut out my graceless heart and restart, right?  Right?

2) Lego House - Ed Sheeran

I would sing to him this song if we choose to still be together.  I really do love him better now.  But breaking up is the right thing to do, remember?

3) Another Heart Calls - The All-American Rejects

This song is a memorable one because this song was what I used to cry to during that time when he was still confused...before he took a chance on our relationship.  Looking back, it would look as though it was not the best thing for us to be together then, but God let it happen.  And we had a great run, but it really has to end now.

4) Who Am I? - Casting Crowns

You know who really makes me cry so hard?  God.  And how He makes His presence felt throughout this suffering of mine.

5) I Won't Give Up - Jason Mraz

And you know what else will make me (or anyone) cry hard?  Hope...that small opening at the door.

6) Hackensack - Katy Perry (cover)

And if you ever get back to Hackensack, I'll be here for you.

7) The One That Got Away - Katy Perry

When I finally hear that he has moved on with another girl, this line would be playing over and over in my head: It's time to face the music, I'm no longer your muse.

8) The Way It Was - The Killers

If I go on with you by my side, can it be the way it was?  Of course not.  It shouldn't be, right?

9) Romeo and Juliet - The Killers (cover)

It was just that the time was wrong.

10) Bago Mahuli Ang Lahat - Never the Strangers

I just wish.

11) Heroes - David Bowie

We are heroes for doing the right thing.

12) For Good - Idina Menzel/Kristin Chenoweth

This song says it all, everything I feel about him and about the break up.

13) Learning to Breathe - Switchfoot

This song brings about one of the greatest memories I have with him.  Four years ago, he sang this to me as a way to finally say that he was ready for a relationship with me.  It was a great night.  We walked out of the church of Gesu holding hands, looking out to the world and all the new possibilities because of that new future for us.  It makes me feel so good remembering it...new love with all its mysteries, anticipation, and happiness. This song makes me cry, yes.  But it is a hopeful song.  I will learn to live again and breathe again in these abundant skies.  This song had a deeper meaning since.  I've now realized that it is really You and You alone can break anyone's fall.  And because we let everything fall, I experienced the best memory I have with him.  It was when I last saw him, September 8, 2013 (Sunday), Mama Mary's birthday, the day when we first kissed four years ago.  It is now also the day that he was completely honest with me.  He told me things he never told anyone before.  I've never felt connected to him like that before.  That was when I realized how much I love him and because of that love, I ought to let him go.  This is just one of the great things that happened since the break up.  And I can't thank You enough.

14) Always - Switchfoot

Every breath is a second chance.  Thank You for always being there.

15) Steady My Heart - Kari Jobe

This song brings about great peace.

16) While I'm Waiting - John Waller

While I'm waiting for doors to be closed, or while I'm waiting for myself to become healed and ready again...

17) Everything's Not Lost - Coldplay

Another memorable song.  He sent this to me that time he was confused about going into a relationship with me.  I guess it will be easier to move on if I just forget everything that happened between us.  But the great relationship we had deserves to be kept and treasured even if it means that I will sometimes hurt looking back at it.  I am hoping that the day will come when I would fondly look back to the memories without feeling any kind of hurt, only gratitude that it happened.  And it was a great blessing that it happened.


+ Leng

Hopeful and despressed

Hello,

It has been more than a month already.  I've been sad but also have been very hopeful about my future.  I got a lot of plans and through the help of How I Met Your Mother marathons (because I'm stuck at home for 10 days because of a virus), I get to see that there is really a bigger life out there for me.  And I'm so excited for it!  I even found my dream job!  I should be happy about these things, right?

But you see, every time I have (great) ideas, every time something great happens, every time good news come my way, the first person who pops into my head is him.  I always want him to know the good news first.  I always picture him being happy for me and telling me that I should pursue it.  So far, what this break up is telling me about him is that he really is the best for me...not because I am settling, not because he is my first love and every girl wants to end up with their first love, not because I need him and I am co-dependent on him...it's because I love him, I really do.  I love how he is so kind.  I love how he is kind even though he doesn't want to be kind.  I love how he loves and is passionate about helping and giving back.  I love how funny he is and how he thinks he's funny even though sometimes he's not and it's actually funny how he thinks that way.  I love how he gets amused with the simplest things and he laughs with all his soul, it's contagious and it has made be a happier person.  I love how he loves his friends dearly even though they're not at all that lovable.  I love how much of a dork he is, researching about every detail, every pro's and con's before buying a gadget or any major purchase, while planning for a big date, while planning an itinerary for a trip, etc.  I love how organized and neat he is.  I love how he knows things about every need you might have, may it be medicine, directions to a place, or where to go to mass at certain times of the day.  I love how he surprises me with random small gifts of things he thinks I would like.  I love how much effort he puts in a project for something he truly believes in even though he sometimes (most probably) crams for it.  I love how much he gets to know simple people and always thanks them for the great things they do to make our everyday, seemingly trivial tasks possible.  I love how he loves getting to know people.  I love how he'd pretend to play and listen to his niece even though he's already taking a little nap while doing so.  I love how he insists on always taking me home even though all he wants to do is to sleep.  I love how humble he is and he knows that he should keep improving as a person.  I love how open he is to life and all the great experiences it offers all of us if we only believe.  I love how eager he is to learn.  I love how eager he is to share great experiences with others and even inviting people to experience it for themselves.  I love how he has great dreams.  I love his longing to know God more and how he has influenced me to do so as well.

There's so much more I love about him...but most of all, I love how no matter how bad the situation is, he always does the right thing.  I believe he did the right thing to break up because he knows, he needed to love himself more.

I still haven't replied to his apology.  But I made a decision to reply to him just like how he does to my messages even after the break up (which I appreciate), but what do I say?


+ Leng

Break up monthsary

An excerpt from today's gospel:

“And as for those who do not welcome you, when you leave that town, shake the dust from your feet.” – Luke 9:5

In short, move on.  Move on, Leng, move on.

Rediscovering myself

'Who am I?'

This might be something you'll ask yourself after any loss.  Losing something that was such a big part of your life may feel like losing yourself.  But it's not.  You were always there, and you have to remind yourself of who you are...I have to remind myself of who I am.

Lea Marie G. Desuasido

In life, things exist in contrast.  There’s happiness and sadness, contentment and frustration, silliness and seriousness, grace and sin.  Things don’t exist in absolutes, and there is never, ever anything perfect.  And Leng is a person who knows this – she will be the first to tell you that everything worth doing is worth doing well, but you don’t run yourself to the ground doing it, either.  She knows the essence of things is balance (orgs, friends, acads, the boyfriend, the family, herself) and the more she has to do, the calmer she tries to be.  And actually, being calm?  Works every time.  
But beyond all this, Leng knows that life’s not just about working well.  She knows that you’re not put in the world to show off – you’re put here to see.  And when you see what needs to be done, you go out and do it.  That’s her primary goal: to find out how she can live a life for others, because she knows it’s too great to live just for herself.  She has an incredible capacity for insight.  She has an even greater one for love.  She’s the sort of person who makes you think that world’s odds have nothing on her.  Maybe they don’t, maybe they do.  Leng knows this, so Leng doesn’t try to beat the world – just loves it as best as she can.  Everything else, she is sure, will come after.

- Yearbook write-up written by my good friend, Tasie Cabrera

Sometimes, other people know you better than you know yourself.

And yes, this is really who I am.  This confirms and validates the decisions I've made so far after the break up.

Thank You. :)


+ Leng

A very positive moving on playlist

Since the break up, I've had a couple of playlists which helped me throughout the process.  As you can see in my past entries, I am very much influenced and healed by music.  Right now, my mind is really dead set on moving on and forgetting about the past relationship and setting my eyes towards my goals for the future (which make me very excited!!!).  And so you'll find below the songs which I am currently listening to:

1) Treasure - Bruno Mars

As much as possible, I don't want this playlist to be bitter and so this first one is just to make us feel good about ourselves.  I imagine Louis Tomlinson or Zayn Malik singing this to me.  Or I'd imagine my future partner singing and DANCING this to me as a proposal to be his girlfriend HAHAHA.  Singing and dancing to this would definitely merit my sweet sweet 'yes'.

You can also try these songs for the same effect:

1.1 Kiss You - One Direction

1.2 What Makes You Beautiful - One Direction

Or maybe just about any One Direction song that says you are great and I would like to be your boyfriend.  Hahaha.

2) Brave - Sara Bareilles

This is for those super tiny pieces of hatred left towards a guy whose reason for a break up is the 'it's not you, it's me' type.  But the good thing about this song is it sounds so positive and inspiring.  On the flip side, this can also be for me, for us, to look at what we really want to say, who we really are...what we really want to do with our lives.

3) Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) - Green Day

I know sometimes you will really get sad and miss the person who broke up with you (I don't like using the word "ex boyfriend").  Acknowledge the feeling, but also remind yourself that it was really something unpredictable but in the end is RIGHT.

4) Part Of Me - Katy Perry

"Now look at me I'm sparkling, a firework, a dancing flame." ;)  Enough said.

5) Roar - Katy Perry

What can I say about this song?  It has all the inspirational, 'I am great' lines from all the great songs we know.  This is just great.  And imagine yourself as hot as Katy Perry (it would also help if you make this one of your goals) while singing along to this song.

6) Go The Distance - Michael Bolton

This is to keep you motivated towards your life goals.  For me, this song is also about living your life to the fullest by doing your God-given purpose and ultimately being with Him in the end as said in these lines,

"I will search the world 
I will face its harms
til I find my hero's welcome waiting in your arms" :')

7) Little Wonders - Rob Thomas

As the theme song for the great movie Meet the Robinsons and with the movie's main message of "keep moving forward", this seems fit for a moving on playlist.

"Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulders...the hardest part is over." :)

I also like how this song gives importance to "these small hours", those times when you were most sad, down, and just plain depressed.  It makes you realize that we really need to go through these hardships for us to move on to greater things. :)

8) Running - Hillsong

What better way to move on than to run?  But chasing after the right things, of course.


There you have it.  If you are like me who really gets affected by music and someone who likes to focus on the positive, this would really help.  But honestly, the songs The Scientist and Baby Come Back has been haunting me as well without my doing!  And being a person who thinks God talks to me through music, this really isn't helping.  But at least I am doing so much better now.  :)

+ Leng

What jerks do to break up with their girlfriend

Hello lucky soul, what you're about to read below is tasteless...just pure hate.

"It's not you, it's me."

We've all heard this line a lot of times before.  I think at this day and age we all know that this is BULLSHIT.

This is the reason used by jerks to break up.

What real nice guys would do is to honestly state why they want to break up.  They would have a good and loving intention of pointing out what went wrong in the relationship especially with the other person so that each can grow and learn from the "wrong" things that happened.  Jerks on the other hand would focus on themselves as the reason for the break up.  They're selfish and mean.  "It's not you, it's me."  It's like saying "you can't do anything to change this situation because that's just how you are and you don't have the capacity to grow.  And I won't let you, because I am ending this in my own terms and I don't want your opinion."

Jerks won't give you the real reasons because they think you can't handle the truth.  They think you are weak.  They think you can't handle criticism.  They think you can't do anything more.  And so they cover up the real reasons with sticky, thick, super sweet caramel, dipped in chocolate, dipped in honey, dipped in sugar.  And you know what it would taste like?  It would taste like one big toothache.  It would hurt so much worse than something said honestly.

A real nice guy would say:

1. "You look like you're not trying to look pretty for me anymore."

We could have fixed ourselves up and look like the girl they fell in love with.

2. "I'm getting tired of always being with you.  Can we do projects separately?"

We could have done our own thing and maybe because of the time apart, they'd want us like before again.

3. "I think you're making decisions with so much consideration about our relationship and our future together.  Please don't do that."

We could have done so, and we could have grown so much more.  We could have thanked him for a good wake up call.

4. "I think we're being complacent about things because we know we have each other to accept us as we are, even though we're being mediocre."

We could have had another wake up call to be more driven.

5. "I'd like to practice my charms on other girls and I think I am actually attracted to another girl because she is better that you are right now."

We could have made ourselves so much better for a much better guy who would deserve us.

6. "I'd like to explore some more and have unrestrained, 'no strings attached' sex for the years to come, and I think you're not the kind of girl who would do that."

We could have known all along that he was a jerk from the beginning, and we would clearly know that we deserve a better man.

If they are really nice guys, they would say honest and hurtful things at first with the loving intention of pushing us to become the best person we can be after the break up.

Jerks would choose to say that "nothing is wrong" with us so we won't have the chance to become better.

"It's not you, it's me." = "You don't have the ability to become better in any way.  Hanggang diyan ka nalang.  Wala ka ng pag-asa"

Jerk.  Jerk.  Jerk.


+ Leng

Praying

Hello.  It has been 3 years since I last wrote something here.

It has been 4 years since I prayed and "made a wish".

It has been (almost) four years since You answered my prayer.  He really was an answered prayer.

Now, as suggested by a great friend who has experienced what I am going through right now, I am writing here to help me in the process of letting that answered prayer go.  I never liked passive-aggressive Facebook posts.  But as suggested by a great counselor, I need to let every emotion out, especially anger and sadness, for me to fully move on.  And so here I am, writing in a semi-private space where any soul who happens to pass by here will see how a blessing turned into the deepest wounds in my heart, and will hopefully turn into scars which will make me strong and bless me a thousand times more.

I never imagined it to be this hard, but I am still holding on to Your promises.

I grew so much in those (almost) four years and I will forever treasure those times with him.  He taught me a lot.  I would like to believe I taught him a lot and that I was able to lead him to a better place as well.

Honestly, I'm still in denial, but I am slowly accepting the fact that he already chose not to be with me anymore.  It just hurts so much because I did not see it coming at all.  We were at the height of realizing our dreams and taking action towards their fulfillment.  I was so proud of the both of us for journeying and discovering our dreams together.  I always thought that we will also attain them together.  That was the vision, that was the greatest thing about it.  But I should now accept that he chose not to journey with me anymore, and I should value myself enough to realize that I deserve a man who chooses to pursue his dreams with me.

I felt so betrayed.  How can he just leave it all?  Is he not grateful for the journey we are having?  After promising me that 'dreams do come true', he just walks out and leaves to pursue his own dreams?  How selfish.  I find it so selfish that after years of knowing each other's dreams and leading each other to the next steps towards their fulfillment, he walks out and refuses to accept my help and support.  I felt so betrayed.  I really do.  It doesn't help that he did not tell me that he has been having problems.  All his struggles, issues and pains, he chose not to share with me.  He just decided to end everything on his own without even disclosing his reasons in a way that a partner should understand.  What am I for then?  An enabler, a king-maker, his 'Jonathan' which he just threw away when he felt that I am no longer of use?  Had I known his struggles, issues and pains then, I would have accepted him fully.  This acceptance would have helped him love himself more by showing him someone loves and sees all the good things in him more than his issues which he magnified so much to become the reason for the break up.  He is so unfair and selfish to think that I would not be able to accept his issues.  Has he not realized the depth of my love for him in the past years?  Does he not value my love for him?  Does he not trust that I will understand?  But then again, I have to accept that he already chose not to journey with me anymore, and I deserve a man who thinks that I am strong and that I have the capacity to love and accept his issues and addictions which is a part of him.  I deserve a man who knows that I will love and accept his whole being.
I deserve to be valued.  I deserve to be trusted.  My love deserves to be valued.

I value myself enough to decide to move on.  I deserve so much more.  And so today I will be freeing myself from that answered prayer (almost) four years ago.  My new prayer is that in this suffering, I become better.  I know I still need to improve a lot of things in myself.  I know he needs to improve a lot in himself too.  I just thank You, Lord, for this opportunity for us to grow independently.  I know the both of us will grow so much and I know You just want the best for us, and if parting ways is the best for us, help me slowly accept this fully.

But right now, I am still hurting and I know You are here.  I hold on to You.  I know You are always there.

"...after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." - 1 Peter 5:10

Thank You so much.

+ Leng