Loving you from a distance

During the past four days, I realized that I am okay.  We talked, had lunch, said hi to each other...  At first I tried becoming friends but then I felt that maybe I still should keep my distance.  I am no longer hurt by what you did to me, I can say that I have really forgiven and understood you.  But sometimes, God still brings me to tears and yesterday I realized why when this song was sung:

I realized that I was hurting for you.

Weeks ago I told my friend that I have been asking God to help me move on by slowly diminishing my love for you but to no avail...in fact, I am finding that I am understanding you more and more everyday, and in the process I am being given by God more and more love for you.  This makes it hard for me because of the fact that we can't be together (I've actually talked about this already re: my decision to let you go because I love you).  This friend of mine told me that maybe, God gives me this hope and love for you because maybe you need a prayer warrior, maybe I was the one God tasked to pray for you everyday because I was the one with which you trusted your secret with.  Everyday, I have been praying that you feel that you are loved and that you are a great person. Everyday, I also ask Archangel Michael to shield you and deliver you from any harm, danger, sin, and temptation.  But I am only human and I can't help but become frustrated.  It is clear to me that we can't be together at the moment because you need to sort things out and I also need to get a hold of my life, but it is just really hard loving you from a distance.  I so long to hug you tight and tell you that you are loved.  I long to hold your hand and tell you that everything is going to be alright.  I long to tell you I love you and that I know you can't love me at the moment but just let me love you as a way of letting you know and feel that everything that you are is truly loved.  This is really painful, but the message yesterday was that pain will give us possibilities beyond our imagination.  And so with this, I acknowledge my weakness, I come to God to help me in this task that he has given me.  I guess I'll just let God do all the hugging, hand-holding, and saying 'I love you' for me to you.  I will continue loving you and praying for you from a distance, while I also challenge myself to become the best version of myself ever.

I have a dream for you
It's better than where you've been
It's bigger than your imagination
You're gonna find real love
And you're gonna hold your kids
You'll change the course of generations

I do believe that you'll change the course of your generations, and I will continue praying for your success.  I honestly hope that this dream of God for you includes me in it, but if not, I guess God also has a bigger dream for me.


+ Leng

A beauty secret

Wow.  Looking through my photos in Facebook, I just realized how much of a physical transformation I underwent in the past months. No wonder I keep on getting compliments and people telling me something like, "I did not recognize you."  I don't know if this is because of the break up or it's because I decided to live in the moment and just love myself.  It's a mixture of both, I guess.  If not because of the break up, I'd still be so focused in the future (earning money, saving for my future family while also doing what I love, deciding on what I really want to do in life, thinking 'Am I good enough?', etc.) and forget about my current well-being, and if not because of my decision to live in the moment, I'd be so stuck in the past hurts caused by the break up and I'd also forget about my current well-being.  I'd like to think that this physical transformation is because of the transformation inside of me...that decision to live in the now.

This is one of the lessons I learned which I am so grateful for because of the break up.  To live in the moment, to be happy right here, right now.  To take care of myself, to be happy about myself and in turn bringing happiness to others.  To love myself and in turn loving others, loving any kind of situation, loving the world more.  Indeed, how you see the world is a reflection of who you are.

For so long I have been trying to seek the kingdom of God and holding on to Matthew 6:33, But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.  But I focused so much in seeking and looking into an unknown future that I failed to remember that there's a verse that comes after that, verse 34: Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.  In fact, the verses that come before focuses on not worrying and just living in the moment: Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.

WOW.

Keep in mind, Leng:

Stop worrying and looking for things that are not there because everything that you need is here already.  Stop looking for the kingdom of God and let yourself be found by God, or better yet, see[k] God's kingdom in yourself.  Nurture it.  Grow it.  Love it.  And witness God transform you into your most beautiful version yet.

+ Leng

(P.S. I can confidently say now that I am really starting to move on.  No more visitors from India too :)  Thank you, Lord.  Keep him safe and loved always.)