Grieving playlist

In the first few days and weeks of the break up, I tried so hard to put on a strong and brave facade.  But deep inside there was a little girl crying her heart out inside of me.  Because I am forced to stay at home right now, I am also forced to look deep inside of me, I've realized not just how sad I am but how some friends have been saying the wrong things to me!  Haha!  Maybe that was why I never really acknowledged that crying little girl inside of me.  But it's okay, at least they were still there for me.

And now that I've admitted that I am grieving, it wouldn't be complete without a playlist!  So here are the songs I cry to:

1) Shake It Out - Florence + the Machine

You know that HIMYM Season 7 episode where after 5 years, Robin finally closed the door to Ted's hopes of someday being happy with her by a simple 'No'?  I'm still waiting for that 'No'.  Maybe someday that would come from him.  Maybe in time I would be the one to close that door.  But in the mean time, I can still shake off the devil on my back, bury the horse, cut out my graceless heart and restart, right?  Right?

2) Lego House - Ed Sheeran

I would sing to him this song if we choose to still be together.  I really do love him better now.  But breaking up is the right thing to do, remember?

3) Another Heart Calls - The All-American Rejects

This song is a memorable one because this song was what I used to cry to during that time when he was still confused...before he took a chance on our relationship.  Looking back, it would look as though it was not the best thing for us to be together then, but God let it happen.  And we had a great run, but it really has to end now.

4) Who Am I? - Casting Crowns

You know who really makes me cry so hard?  God.  And how He makes His presence felt throughout this suffering of mine.

5) I Won't Give Up - Jason Mraz

And you know what else will make me (or anyone) cry hard?  Hope...that small opening at the door.

6) Hackensack - Katy Perry (cover)

And if you ever get back to Hackensack, I'll be here for you.

7) The One That Got Away - Katy Perry

When I finally hear that he has moved on with another girl, this line would be playing over and over in my head: It's time to face the music, I'm no longer your muse.

8) The Way It Was - The Killers

If I go on with you by my side, can it be the way it was?  Of course not.  It shouldn't be, right?

9) Romeo and Juliet - The Killers (cover)

It was just that the time was wrong.

10) Bago Mahuli Ang Lahat - Never the Strangers

I just wish.

11) Heroes - David Bowie

We are heroes for doing the right thing.

12) For Good - Idina Menzel/Kristin Chenoweth

This song says it all, everything I feel about him and about the break up.

13) Learning to Breathe - Switchfoot

This song brings about one of the greatest memories I have with him.  Four years ago, he sang this to me as a way to finally say that he was ready for a relationship with me.  It was a great night.  We walked out of the church of Gesu holding hands, looking out to the world and all the new possibilities because of that new future for us.  It makes me feel so good remembering it...new love with all its mysteries, anticipation, and happiness. This song makes me cry, yes.  But it is a hopeful song.  I will learn to live again and breathe again in these abundant skies.  This song had a deeper meaning since.  I've now realized that it is really You and You alone can break anyone's fall.  And because we let everything fall, I experienced the best memory I have with him.  It was when I last saw him, September 8, 2013 (Sunday), Mama Mary's birthday, the day when we first kissed four years ago.  It is now also the day that he was completely honest with me.  He told me things he never told anyone before.  I've never felt connected to him like that before.  That was when I realized how much I love him and because of that love, I ought to let him go.  This is just one of the great things that happened since the break up.  And I can't thank You enough.

14) Always - Switchfoot

Every breath is a second chance.  Thank You for always being there.

15) Steady My Heart - Kari Jobe

This song brings about great peace.

16) While I'm Waiting - John Waller

While I'm waiting for doors to be closed, or while I'm waiting for myself to become healed and ready again...

17) Everything's Not Lost - Coldplay

Another memorable song.  He sent this to me that time he was confused about going into a relationship with me.  I guess it will be easier to move on if I just forget everything that happened between us.  But the great relationship we had deserves to be kept and treasured even if it means that I will sometimes hurt looking back at it.  I am hoping that the day will come when I would fondly look back to the memories without feeling any kind of hurt, only gratitude that it happened.  And it was a great blessing that it happened.


+ Leng

3 Things that keep me sane at the moment

1. Music

Singing out loud with all my might and emotions with Taylor Swift and my very positive moving on playlist, releases all the tension!

2. How I Met Your Mother

Catching up, imagining myself and my new life with my new awesome job abroad, with my new awesome friends and my new awesome boyfriends.

3. Jesus

He's just awesome.

---

While I count down to the days until I am free from this 10-day home confinement due to a contagious virus, I shall keep myself busy with these (plus some online work, social media, answering emails, practicing knitting, and preparing for my dream job application).


+ Leng

Rediscovering myself

'Who am I?'

This might be something you'll ask yourself after any loss.  Losing something that was such a big part of your life may feel like losing yourself.  But it's not.  You were always there, and you have to remind yourself of who you are...I have to remind myself of who I am.

Lea Marie G. Desuasido

In life, things exist in contrast.  There’s happiness and sadness, contentment and frustration, silliness and seriousness, grace and sin.  Things don’t exist in absolutes, and there is never, ever anything perfect.  And Leng is a person who knows this – she will be the first to tell you that everything worth doing is worth doing well, but you don’t run yourself to the ground doing it, either.  She knows the essence of things is balance (orgs, friends, acads, the boyfriend, the family, herself) and the more she has to do, the calmer she tries to be.  And actually, being calm?  Works every time.  
But beyond all this, Leng knows that life’s not just about working well.  She knows that you’re not put in the world to show off – you’re put here to see.  And when you see what needs to be done, you go out and do it.  That’s her primary goal: to find out how she can live a life for others, because she knows it’s too great to live just for herself.  She has an incredible capacity for insight.  She has an even greater one for love.  She’s the sort of person who makes you think that world’s odds have nothing on her.  Maybe they don’t, maybe they do.  Leng knows this, so Leng doesn’t try to beat the world – just loves it as best as she can.  Everything else, she is sure, will come after.

- Yearbook write-up written by my good friend, Tasie Cabrera

Sometimes, other people know you better than you know yourself.

And yes, this is really who I am.  This confirms and validates the decisions I've made so far after the break up.

Thank You. :)


+ Leng