Loving you from a distance

During the past four days, I realized that I am okay.  We talked, had lunch, said hi to each other...  At first I tried becoming friends but then I felt that maybe I still should keep my distance.  I am no longer hurt by what you did to me, I can say that I have really forgiven and understood you.  But sometimes, God still brings me to tears and yesterday I realized why when this song was sung:

I realized that I was hurting for you.

Weeks ago I told my friend that I have been asking God to help me move on by slowly diminishing my love for you but to no avail...in fact, I am finding that I am understanding you more and more everyday, and in the process I am being given by God more and more love for you.  This makes it hard for me because of the fact that we can't be together (I've actually talked about this already re: my decision to let you go because I love you).  This friend of mine told me that maybe, God gives me this hope and love for you because maybe you need a prayer warrior, maybe I was the one God tasked to pray for you everyday because I was the one with which you trusted your secret with.  Everyday, I have been praying that you feel that you are loved and that you are a great person. Everyday, I also ask Archangel Michael to shield you and deliver you from any harm, danger, sin, and temptation.  But I am only human and I can't help but become frustrated.  It is clear to me that we can't be together at the moment because you need to sort things out and I also need to get a hold of my life, but it is just really hard loving you from a distance.  I so long to hug you tight and tell you that you are loved.  I long to hold your hand and tell you that everything is going to be alright.  I long to tell you I love you and that I know you can't love me at the moment but just let me love you as a way of letting you know and feel that everything that you are is truly loved.  This is really painful, but the message yesterday was that pain will give us possibilities beyond our imagination.  And so with this, I acknowledge my weakness, I come to God to help me in this task that he has given me.  I guess I'll just let God do all the hugging, hand-holding, and saying 'I love you' for me to you.  I will continue loving you and praying for you from a distance, while I also challenge myself to become the best version of myself ever.

I have a dream for you
It's better than where you've been
It's bigger than your imagination
You're gonna find real love
And you're gonna hold your kids
You'll change the course of generations

I do believe that you'll change the course of your generations, and I will continue praying for your success.  I honestly hope that this dream of God for you includes me in it, but if not, I guess God also has a bigger dream for me.


+ Leng

Unconditionally

This song/video couldn't come at a more perfect time.  This reminds me so much of that night when you were completely honest with me.  What I said three months ago still stands, but this time I'm free of the pain that comes with it.  So now it's up to you.  I'm just here.  No, I'm not waiting for you...I'm just here.

Oh no, did I get too close?

Oh, did I almost see

What's really on the inside?

All your insecurities

All the dirty laundry

Never made me blink one time

Unconditional, unconditionally

I will love you unconditionally

There is no fear now

Let go and just be free

I will love you unconditionally

So come just as you are to me

Don't need apologies

Know that you are all worthy

I'll take your bad days with your good

Walk through the storm I would

I do it all because I love you

I love you l love you

Unconditional, unconditionally

I will love you unconditionally

There is no fear now

Let go and just be free

I will love you unconditionally

So open up your heart and just let it begin

Open up your heart and just let it begin

Open up your heart and just let it begin

Open up your heart

Acceptance is the key to be

To be truly free

Will you do the same for me?

A beauty secret

Wow.  Looking through my photos in Facebook, I just realized how much of a physical transformation I underwent in the past months. No wonder I keep on getting compliments and people telling me something like, "I did not recognize you."  I don't know if this is because of the break up or it's because I decided to live in the moment and just love myself.  It's a mixture of both, I guess.  If not because of the break up, I'd still be so focused in the future (earning money, saving for my future family while also doing what I love, deciding on what I really want to do in life, thinking 'Am I good enough?', etc.) and forget about my current well-being, and if not because of my decision to live in the moment, I'd be so stuck in the past hurts caused by the break up and I'd also forget about my current well-being.  I'd like to think that this physical transformation is because of the transformation inside of me...that decision to live in the now.

This is one of the lessons I learned which I am so grateful for because of the break up.  To live in the moment, to be happy right here, right now.  To take care of myself, to be happy about myself and in turn bringing happiness to others.  To love myself and in turn loving others, loving any kind of situation, loving the world more.  Indeed, how you see the world is a reflection of who you are.

For so long I have been trying to seek the kingdom of God and holding on to Matthew 6:33, But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.  But I focused so much in seeking and looking into an unknown future that I failed to remember that there's a verse that comes after that, verse 34: Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.  In fact, the verses that come before focuses on not worrying and just living in the moment: Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.

WOW.

Keep in mind, Leng:

Stop worrying and looking for things that are not there because everything that you need is here already.  Stop looking for the kingdom of God and let yourself be found by God, or better yet, see[k] God's kingdom in yourself.  Nurture it.  Grow it.  Love it.  And witness God transform you into your most beautiful version yet.

+ Leng

(P.S. I can confidently say now that I am really starting to move on.  No more visitors from India too :)  Thank you, Lord.  Keep him safe and loved always.)

Hello reader from India

I see you.  I hear you have cool colorful clothes and shoes there...and cheap leather goods.  Plus my girl, Solenn Heusaff, just shot a film there in Mumbai.  I know someone there now.  He's so lucky to have India to forget tomorrow.  Well, I'm also lucky because Uniqlo will be opening in Megamall tomorrow.  That's where I'll forget.  Say hi to him for me.

In other news, it's Jennifer Lawrence-Josh Hutcherson interview marathon time once again.  I love how they have this When Harry Met Sally (before they got together) kind of friendship...the we're-so-close-and-comfortable-we-can-tell-each-other-anything-and-even-kiss-because-we-love-each-other-but-we-are-not-attracted-to-each-other (at least not yet or they refuse to acknowledge it) kind of friendship.  It's cute.  I'd like to have that with somebody someday.  It's so playful, fun, and full of life.  It brightens anyone's day.  I guess that's one step we missed.

---

RANDOM SELFIE TIME

Friends, songs, and TV shows

Friend 1: "oh well.. it's not too much nga
so it shouldnt be hard.. so if it's hard.. then it's not meant to be
sabi nga ni Nikki Gil, let God write the love story"

You'd be glad to know that my demands are small.

Friend 2: "tingnan mo to leng..
http://teachwithjoy.com/marriage/
hahahah
nung nabasa ko nga to
naalala kita
yep
its growing up time
and setting things straight
that God is number 1
and the rest is number two"

If rain won't change your mind, let it fall.

The rain won't change my heart at all.

Dear God, starting today, I surrender everything to you.  It has really been a hard time.  It still is.  Especially now that hope is springing within me and it is making moving on hard.  Maybe I just have to accept these feelings and not deny them.  I love him still, yes.  But I now put everything in your hands.  I let go and let You write my (love) story.  It can no longer be denied that it is indeed time to grow up...time to set things straight in my life...time to wait on You patiently (as the songs says, it's only time) because I know that You only want the best for me...the best for the both of us.  You've had a big role in our break up and I know You will have a big role in making both of us whole again as individuals.  Thank You so much for always being there.  And thank You for sending such wonderful friends.  I'm know we're not going through this alone...

I told you about all those fears and away they did run.

(Thank You too for these wonderful songs which always play when the mother is around.  I love the mother, she's so different from the gang.  She seems so mature...mature but still fun.)







On the lighter side of things, can the Mendoza family get anymore perfect?  They're not just eye-candy.  What I love the most about them is that they put God first in all things.

My family crush.  I'd be a goddess-like mom too someday.

Thanks for trying

"I'm going to extend it forever.  Or at least I'm going to try."

Everything is going to be alright

Someday, everything's going to be new again.
Someday, these wounds would heal.
Someday, the sun would shine so bright,
all of these tears would dry up.

I'm getting tired of exposing my fresh wounds to you.
Why do I still do it?
It's okay.  Every time I see you, I realize how much more I deserve.
But at the same time I can't help the shouts within me,
pleading, begging for you to come back soon...

Honestly, I am still confused.

But there is hope.  Hope that one day, everything's going to be new again.
No more bitterness.
No more begging and pleading.
No more looking back.
Just a great view ahead.