Grieving playlist

In the first few days and weeks of the break up, I tried so hard to put on a strong and brave facade.  But deep inside there was a little girl crying her heart out inside of me.  Because I am forced to stay at home right now, I am also forced to look deep inside of me, I've realized not just how sad I am but how some friends have been saying the wrong things to me!  Haha!  Maybe that was why I never really acknowledged that crying little girl inside of me.  But it's okay, at least they were still there for me.

And now that I've admitted that I am grieving, it wouldn't be complete without a playlist!  So here are the songs I cry to:

1) Shake It Out - Florence + the Machine

You know that HIMYM Season 7 episode where after 5 years, Robin finally closed the door to Ted's hopes of someday being happy with her by a simple 'No'?  I'm still waiting for that 'No'.  Maybe someday that would come from him.  Maybe in time I would be the one to close that door.  But in the mean time, I can still shake off the devil on my back, bury the horse, cut out my graceless heart and restart, right?  Right?

2) Lego House - Ed Sheeran

I would sing to him this song if we choose to still be together.  I really do love him better now.  But breaking up is the right thing to do, remember?

3) Another Heart Calls - The All-American Rejects

This song is a memorable one because this song was what I used to cry to during that time when he was still confused...before he took a chance on our relationship.  Looking back, it would look as though it was not the best thing for us to be together then, but God let it happen.  And we had a great run, but it really has to end now.

4) Who Am I? - Casting Crowns

You know who really makes me cry so hard?  God.  And how He makes His presence felt throughout this suffering of mine.

5) I Won't Give Up - Jason Mraz

And you know what else will make me (or anyone) cry hard?  Hope...that small opening at the door.

6) Hackensack - Katy Perry (cover)

And if you ever get back to Hackensack, I'll be here for you.

7) The One That Got Away - Katy Perry

When I finally hear that he has moved on with another girl, this line would be playing over and over in my head: It's time to face the music, I'm no longer your muse.

8) The Way It Was - The Killers

If I go on with you by my side, can it be the way it was?  Of course not.  It shouldn't be, right?

9) Romeo and Juliet - The Killers (cover)

It was just that the time was wrong.

10) Bago Mahuli Ang Lahat - Never the Strangers

I just wish.

11) Heroes - David Bowie

We are heroes for doing the right thing.

12) For Good - Idina Menzel/Kristin Chenoweth

This song says it all, everything I feel about him and about the break up.

13) Learning to Breathe - Switchfoot

This song brings about one of the greatest memories I have with him.  Four years ago, he sang this to me as a way to finally say that he was ready for a relationship with me.  It was a great night.  We walked out of the church of Gesu holding hands, looking out to the world and all the new possibilities because of that new future for us.  It makes me feel so good remembering it...new love with all its mysteries, anticipation, and happiness. This song makes me cry, yes.  But it is a hopeful song.  I will learn to live again and breathe again in these abundant skies.  This song had a deeper meaning since.  I've now realized that it is really You and You alone can break anyone's fall.  And because we let everything fall, I experienced the best memory I have with him.  It was when I last saw him, September 8, 2013 (Sunday), Mama Mary's birthday, the day when we first kissed four years ago.  It is now also the day that he was completely honest with me.  He told me things he never told anyone before.  I've never felt connected to him like that before.  That was when I realized how much I love him and because of that love, I ought to let him go.  This is just one of the great things that happened since the break up.  And I can't thank You enough.

14) Always - Switchfoot

Every breath is a second chance.  Thank You for always being there.

15) Steady My Heart - Kari Jobe

This song brings about great peace.

16) While I'm Waiting - John Waller

While I'm waiting for doors to be closed, or while I'm waiting for myself to become healed and ready again...

17) Everything's Not Lost - Coldplay

Another memorable song.  He sent this to me that time he was confused about going into a relationship with me.  I guess it will be easier to move on if I just forget everything that happened between us.  But the great relationship we had deserves to be kept and treasured even if it means that I will sometimes hurt looking back at it.  I am hoping that the day will come when I would fondly look back to the memories without feeling any kind of hurt, only gratitude that it happened.  And it was a great blessing that it happened.


+ Leng

Praying

Hello.  It has been 3 years since I last wrote something here.

It has been 4 years since I prayed and "made a wish".

It has been (almost) four years since You answered my prayer.  He really was an answered prayer.

Now, as suggested by a great friend who has experienced what I am going through right now, I am writing here to help me in the process of letting that answered prayer go.  I never liked passive-aggressive Facebook posts.  But as suggested by a great counselor, I need to let every emotion out, especially anger and sadness, for me to fully move on.  And so here I am, writing in a semi-private space where any soul who happens to pass by here will see how a blessing turned into the deepest wounds in my heart, and will hopefully turn into scars which will make me strong and bless me a thousand times more.

I never imagined it to be this hard, but I am still holding on to Your promises.

I grew so much in those (almost) four years and I will forever treasure those times with him.  He taught me a lot.  I would like to believe I taught him a lot and that I was able to lead him to a better place as well.

Honestly, I'm still in denial, but I am slowly accepting the fact that he already chose not to be with me anymore.  It just hurts so much because I did not see it coming at all.  We were at the height of realizing our dreams and taking action towards their fulfillment.  I was so proud of the both of us for journeying and discovering our dreams together.  I always thought that we will also attain them together.  That was the vision, that was the greatest thing about it.  But I should now accept that he chose not to journey with me anymore, and I should value myself enough to realize that I deserve a man who chooses to pursue his dreams with me.

I felt so betrayed.  How can he just leave it all?  Is he not grateful for the journey we are having?  After promising me that 'dreams do come true', he just walks out and leaves to pursue his own dreams?  How selfish.  I find it so selfish that after years of knowing each other's dreams and leading each other to the next steps towards their fulfillment, he walks out and refuses to accept my help and support.  I felt so betrayed.  I really do.  It doesn't help that he did not tell me that he has been having problems.  All his struggles, issues and pains, he chose not to share with me.  He just decided to end everything on his own without even disclosing his reasons in a way that a partner should understand.  What am I for then?  An enabler, a king-maker, his 'Jonathan' which he just threw away when he felt that I am no longer of use?  Had I known his struggles, issues and pains then, I would have accepted him fully.  This acceptance would have helped him love himself more by showing him someone loves and sees all the good things in him more than his issues which he magnified so much to become the reason for the break up.  He is so unfair and selfish to think that I would not be able to accept his issues.  Has he not realized the depth of my love for him in the past years?  Does he not value my love for him?  Does he not trust that I will understand?  But then again, I have to accept that he already chose not to journey with me anymore, and I deserve a man who thinks that I am strong and that I have the capacity to love and accept his issues and addictions which is a part of him.  I deserve a man who knows that I will love and accept his whole being.
I deserve to be valued.  I deserve to be trusted.  My love deserves to be valued.

I value myself enough to decide to move on.  I deserve so much more.  And so today I will be freeing myself from that answered prayer (almost) four years ago.  My new prayer is that in this suffering, I become better.  I know I still need to improve a lot of things in myself.  I know he needs to improve a lot in himself too.  I just thank You, Lord, for this opportunity for us to grow independently.  I know the both of us will grow so much and I know You just want the best for us, and if parting ways is the best for us, help me slowly accept this fully.

But right now, I am still hurting and I know You are here.  I hold on to You.  I know You are always there.

"...after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." - 1 Peter 5:10

Thank You so much.

+ Leng